I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
