I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
so let's talk penis.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
