I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
