It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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