Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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