It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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