Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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