he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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