weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
