I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
