I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
