It was confusing and full of hummus
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
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I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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