im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
