Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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