It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
