guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
