I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
