I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
