I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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