it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
