theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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