First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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