your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
