I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
