I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
