You were right. It hurts to walk today.
love makes seman taste better
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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