sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
