am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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