she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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