I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
