I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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