Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
