Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Who died my cat blue again?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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