he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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