Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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