All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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