When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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