i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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