I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We just shotgunned beers for America
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
