So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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