I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
