The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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