Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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