I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
