Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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