Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
