i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
