So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
