arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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