I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
