Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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