Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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