he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
