i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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