It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
