I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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