Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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