My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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