Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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