sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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